Hiding My True Feelings

Going back to work 6 weeks after loosing Isabella was tremendously hard on me. I couldn't stand the fact that I would be seeing all my guest who saw the whole pregnancy with me from the beginning up until the week they all found out I was in the hospital and Isabella didn't make it. I knew that it would be difficult going back to work and getting into the same routines I had before, readjusting the area to accommodate my growing belly. I knew that my work center would bring back so many memories of Isabella. 

I have had some guest that had no idea what happened and finally see me back at work and ask "how is baby girl doing?" I look at them and reply, "she didn't make it!" They freeze, and are lost for words and apologize. My reply is yeah, it's been hard and it's OK. I have guest that apologize when they don't know what happened and my reply is also "it's OK!". 

The truth is: I am not OK, and I am not fine! I keeping putting on this positive face for work because I know that my store managers expect a lot from me as well as having this positive and friendly attitude for guest. But I am not that person deep down. I am putting up this positive and can-do attitude just for work. I'm not the same Rochelle I once was. I lost my daughter, I have a empty heart that is yearning to hold my own baby and bring them home with me. I am a mother, but my angel is in heaven now and I just want to fill that empty hole with more of my motherly love I have to offer. That hole will have a scar, a scar that was given to me on March 3 when I was told my daughters heart had stopped and she was stillborn. My breaking point at work was yesterday. I tried to stay as positive without shedding any tears but hearing a baby cry and then hours later a guest ask me how my day was just did it for me. I am not OK, I should be hearing my daughter cry, but instead I hear the birds sing and know that she is with me when I am having bad days. Telling everyone at work that I am OK, it a BIG lie, and I hate that I have to hide my true feelings just for work. Everyone at work seems to treat me as if nothing has happened and expects me to be back to the same person I once was. The honest truth is, that  person is gone. It was gone when Isabella was gone. 

I discussed with a co-worker as well as my managers that I'm not OK or doing fine. I was honest with them and told them that my work center brings back so many memories of Isabella and it's been really hard to be this person that I'm not. Out of the 3 people I talked to, only one of them cried and showed emotion towards my feelings. I feel as if my manager don't honestly know how I am feeling and are looking at me as if I'm this crazy person that just needs to get to work and put her feeling behind her and work in front of her. 

I am no longer hiding who I really am deep down at work. I am a mother missing her daughter, and wanting to fill a part of my heart that is yearning a child.

Those Words Can Hurt

Source: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=484976378214891&set=a.164558496923349.32779.162680380444494&type=1&theater

I saw this on Facebook the other night and it hit home. As a grieving parent, we don't think of what is being said by others till after it is said and you think back on the conversation. I glanced in pamphlets, books, blogs, and other websites that hit on the issue I have faced. It was then when I came across this image, I realized that those resources know exactly how I'm feeling and their are certain words I don't want to hear as well as anyone facing this hard time. 

I don't like to hear "you are still young, you can have more kids"- 

I know I'm still young, and can have more kids, but I want my baby girl here with me. I want Isabella in my arms to celebrate holidays and birthdays with; I want to hug her, kiss her, and do everything that a mother does with her first born baby. 

I don't like to hear "she is in a better place"- 

A better place would be in my arms, here on earth where we all want her to be. Where I can show her off to the world as my sweet baby girl. 

I think about Isabella every hour, minute, and second of each and every day. Getting back to work has been the hardest transition for me, but I have my good and bad days. It's hard seeing guest that saw me pregnant before I left and not come up to me asking how the baby is doing. I never know how to say that I lost my baby, I just look at them and say it in a very soft voice and end up tearing up while I'm making their drink. I know they have no idea, but it's hard for me to see these people each day knowing that Isabella should be here and I should be talking about how she is doing and growing.

I miss my sweet little angel so much, and I know my broken heart will never be healed but I will cherish every moment and memory I made with Isabella each and everyday. 

Back At It

For those of you who follow me on Instagram or Facebook know that Monday was my first day back to work. I thought I was mentally, physically, and emotionally ready to go back to work. Nope... not at all. Sunday night I only got about 3 hours of sleep because I just kept thinking of work, Isabella, and so much more that needed to be done. I got up early for work Monday, took Lexi outside and spent some time with her before I left. On the exist to the apartments I start getting teary eyed. As I get closer in my trip to work, I start crying. I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. I knew Monday would probably be the hardest, and that's how I went into work. Some of my guest didn't know what happened so I told them, que more tears. I had one guest that experienced the same thing and we stood there at cried together. I was glad to listen to someone who has been in my shoes on my first day. It helped make my day a little better knowing I have a guest that can relate with me. 

Tuesday was probably a lot harder than Monday. I cried on the trip to work, on the walk inside to clock in, up until lunch time. Every single thing in my area brings back so many memories, every area in the store brings back memories. It is still fresh, and I know this is all part of my grieving process. I'm glad that my managers have given me my space on my first week and haven't bombarded me with updates since I have been out. Everyone has been so supportive, especially my guest. 

I want to thank everyone who reads this blog, follows me on Instagram and Facebook. You have been great social support and I am so thankful for you guys. I like your supportive comments that help me get through the rest of the day when they are dark and gloomy.

One Month Ago

Photo Courtesy: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep By Photographer Cristina

Today marks one month since you left Isabella Grace. I remember that Sunday morning that changed all our lives forever. I hoped for a miracle and waited for the doctor to say you were just in an awkward position, or that the equipment was malfunctioning. On the day I delivered you, I hoped to hear you crying when the doctor pulled you out. 

I think about that Saturday and Sunday morning over and over in my head and wonder what I could have done better, or what I did wrong. I know I shouldn't blame myself but these are just the thoughts that constantly run through my head. I know God has a plan and that is something everyone tells me, but I had a different plan for you. I dreamed of spending my first Mother's Day with you, Daddy spending his first Father's Day with you and we looked forward to each holiday to come with you. Now, we will spend these days from here on out with you in heaven and we will celebrate you each and everyday, especially the holidays. I had so many hopes and dream, but now you are in a better place and I miss you so much. I have many sleepless nights and cry for you Isabella, but I know you are always in my heart no matter where I'm at. I just can't believe it has been a month today, and you left this earth so quickly. 

Mommy and Daddy love you sweet Isabella Grace and we are so glad we got to visit you yesterday and cherish all the memories we have made with you. 
Until we meet again sweet angel......

Xoxo Mommy

Photo Courtesy: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Photographer Cristina

The above picture was taken by our photographer Cristina who volunteers with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.This is one of my favorite pictures as we kissed Isabella goodbye after the pictures before they took her back. We saw her the next day before I left the hospital to tell her our last goodbyes and before they sent her for an autopsy. I check the mail each day, hoping to get those results back. 

Three Weeks Ago

Photo Courtesy: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Photographer Cristina 

Isabella, It's been about 3 weeks since you were in our arms. Mommy and Daddy think about you every single hour of each day. We have pictures of you on our phone and Mommy can't help but look at your precious face and think back to that night I held you, talked to you and checked for all 10 fingers and toes and just cried for you. I cherish all the memories we made with you for 34 weeks and hold them dear in my heart. These past 3 weeks have been tough on me without you here. I can't hear a baby cry without thinking of you and wishing you were crying for Mommy. The sight of a baby brings me to tears. The day we left the hospital without you was extremely hard on me. Seeing a lady in a wheelchair in front of me so excited to take her newborn son home crushed my heart. I hated that I had to leave with just memories of you and not able to physically carry you out of the hospital. The babies cry brought me to tears that day, I was looking forward to Daddy carrying you out in your new carseat and hearing you cry on the way out the door. 

They day we arrived back from the hospital without you, was so hard. Going into our apartment without you, seeing all your stuff from the baby shower tore my shattered heart into a thousand more pieces. Sister Lexi was smelling everything, looking for her little sister Isabella. She ran and sniffed your stroller, hoping to see you in there. This brought me to tears, knowing that Lexi would never get to meet you. We wondered how she would react with you here but I'm sure she would have been very over protective of you.

My little angel, you are always on my mind and I sleep with your monkey Mommy and Daddy bought for you when we found out you were entering our world. I also sleep with your blanket your Nana made for you. I can't sleep without them, having them next to me is like having you there with us. We kiss your monkey each night and pray to you as well. My sweet Isabella, I miss you so much and cry for your everyday. You are forever in my heart, and will always be my baby girl.

Mommy loves you so much Isabella Grace. I hope your Great-Great-Grandpa has showed you what heaven has to offer you.

Love Mommy!

A Mothers Loss Part II

Sorry it has taken me forever to post this, it is just hard some days to write about what happend but I know it will be good for me to get my story out and share it with everyone.


I arrive at the hospital and immediately get greeted with nurses that take me into triage to get hooked up to monitors. The nurse was trying to hook up the fetal monitor to find Isabella's heartbeat but was not finding it. She kept try and trying and only could hear my heartbeat. Another nurse walked in and tried as well, she then said she would go and get a fetal doppler to try and see if she could hear the baby. She comes back into triage with the fetal doppler and couldn't hear a thing. She kept asking me questions and talking to me to keep me calm since I was already crying. She immediatly asked if I was alone or had family on the way. I told her my fiancé was on his way. The nurse that went to get the fetal doppler told me she ordered a sonogram and she was going to put me in a private room. At this point I was freaking out even more. I was hoping everything was ok and I would see Isabella's heartbeat on that monitor. 

The sonogram tech came in, along with 2 other nurses and my Doctor. The doctor and the sonogram tech looked at the screen as she moved that warm gel around my bump. I stayed looking at the doctor waiting for a reaction, nothing.... She then comes around the bed to my left side, she stares at me with this shocked, scared look......I screamed, cried, and screamed "NO, NO, NO, this can't be happening!! I just felt her last night, please tell me this is not real!"  The Doctor sits by my side and starts telling me she doesn't know what happened, we had a perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy for 34 weeks and we wouldn't know what was the cause till after delivery and sometimes cases like this go without knowing the cause. I felt like I got hit with an 18 wheeler and thrown around. My heart was shattered, completely shattered for the child I prayed for each day. I questioned God, why he took her from us. She was almost here with us. April 10th was her due date, why did she have to leave this earth so soon. I know God had plans for R and I as well as Isabella and I can't question his plan but at that time I has so many unanswered questions. 

R was still not at the hospital yet, so I had to handle the news alone with the doctor and nurses till his mom and him arrived. His mom arrived first, she was anxiously awaiting the arrival of her 4th grandchild. I remember her walking into the room and I starting crying, I remember telling her "She is gone, I lost her" and I remember her words "No, what do you mean?" The doctor had called her for me and told her to come to the hospital as soon as possible, I was not able to call anyone after hearing the news. I'm glad she was there by my side until R arrived to the hospital. When he finally arrived, I told him what had happen. That was the hardest thing to tell someone that had just kissed his daughter goodnight the night before and told her goodbye that morning. Isabella was already wrapped around his finger, and to know that she wasn't coming home with mommy or daddy was the hardest. My heart ached for the daughter I will never be able to kiss goodnight, feed, and dress with all her new clothes. R was devastated he cried, I cried, we all cried including some of the nurses. I just couldn't understand how this happened. 

The doctor told me she wanted me to deliver naturally because she didn't want to leave me with an emotional scare and I'm glad that was in her best interest. I think a scare would have made it even worse for me emotionally and physically. They started inducing my labor with Oxytocin and I stayed at 1 cm till about Tuesday morning. I hadn't eaten or drank anything since Sunday so I was able to get taken off everything, eat and walk around and prepare for the next step. I was having contractions (back labor to be exact) but it wasn't unbearable. They then decided to insert a balloon on Tuesday to help my cervix   thin out. (sorry if this is TMI) I was taking some oral pain meds to help cope with some of the back labor. I was trying to go without any Epidural for as long as I could. My plan for delivery was to not get any Epidural unless it was absolutely needed. That Tuesday labor started progressing, I remember having so many visitors and was so groggy with the pain medication that I was passed out. My water broke while I was sleeping, and the balloon was then removed. I was 3cm at this time.  It was probably around 12:15am when I had an urge to go to the restroom. I get up and go, and nothing. My mom and R's mom told me that I probably needed to push. So R's mom goes to call the nurse as well as get R from the room next door that they had prepared for us for grieving. (The hospital set up a room with food, coffee, and drinks for our family to go and talk and rest while in Labor and Delivery. I thought this was very kind of the nurses.) The nurse comes in and checks me and I'm now 5cm dilated. Nurse Tracy, too be exact was an AMAZING nurse that was with me two nights in a row and was such an angel. She then asked if I wanted any Epidural, back labor was so uncomfortable but I was dealing with it with just oral pain medication. I then requested an epidural. I think the reason I requested it was because I was still in shock about the situation and just wanted to hurry up and get Isabella out to meet her and hold her. Nurse Tracy then calls the Doctor and the Anesthesiologist all within minutes of her checking me. The Anesthesiologist gets theres around 12:30am and she decides to check me because I have another urge to use the restroom. I went from 5cm to 9 1/2 within minutes. The Anesthesiologist tells me he will go ahead and give me some epidural just to take the edge off. I request my mom stay in the room with me and now I think about it and I regret not having R in there but he was sleeping next door and I was in so much shock about the situation I just wanted my mom next to me for comfort. 

 After the epidural, the doctor arrives and I'm able to start pushing. Labor went very quick, and I was able to have full control of my legs and body with the little epidural. Isabella was born sleeping with the Angels March 5, 2013 at 1:04am. She was 4lbs. 7oz. and was 18 1/2 inches long. We got to hold her, kiss her, and just be with her as long as we wanted. Nurse Tracy, and Jen were two AMAZING nurses that assisted with delivery and cried with us. They were so  great, words can't express how they impacted our lives that time we were there. They took pictures of Isabella, prepared a memory box for us and just hugged us and gave their condolences so many times. 

She was perfect, she looked exactly like R. She was his little twin and it killed me that we were not going to be able to show her off to the world, she wasn't going to be able to use the new carseat we had waiting for her, the clothes she received would never be put on her, I was going to leave the hospital empty handed and it killed me inside. Lura has messaged me on Facebook the night before and had told me about a non-profit organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. We had them come in Tuesday evening to take pictures with us and capture our beautiful angel. I'm so glad Lura told us about this organization, we had taken pictures but these pictures don't compare to ours. I was very pleased will all of them.

This has been pretty tough for me to deal with, and I felt I needed to type of what happened and share for myself. I think about those days and replay them over and over in my head. I know everyone says it will help with the healing process, but I don't know if my heart will ever be healed with out Isabella in my arms. I know one day we will get to hold her, but until then I cherish all the memories we made with her up until the day we sent her to be with our grandfathers in heaven. She will forever me in our hearts!

A Mother's Loss Part I

Saturday March 2, 2013 was a usual workday. R's alarm went off at 5:45am and he is scrambling to get out of the house on time. 6:00am he reaches for the blankets to kiss me as usual and saves his last kiss for Isabella. He always has a routine before leaving, he kissed me first and always made sure to kiss Isabellas and tell Lexi by right before leaving the bedroom. My alarm goes off at 6:30am and I start getting ready for work. 34 weeks pregnant, getting up out of bed was getting harder and harder each day. I was exhausted, drained, tired, you can only imagine what I felt after working all week and starting a weekend shift as well and not being able to sit for 8+ hours. I'm so tired, I don't even feel like leaving the apartment. I get to work and everyone at work says "Rochelle, you look tired!" My reply "I am tired, I'm more than tired. I'm so ready to go on maternity leave soon." I told one of my other team members that I was probably going to leave early when my mid-shift got in at 10am. I just felt I needed to go home, and kick up my feet and rest. 

12pm comes around and I'm clocking out of work with a kicking baby girl. I was  so ready to go home and eat and take a nap before R got home. I get in the car, blast the radio to some country and sing on the way home to Isabella. I get home and my little dancer is kicking away, moving all sorts of ways in my stomach. I lay down on the couch on my left side and what do you know, that girl is kicking my right side like crazy. She would always kick up a storm when I laid on my left side. I slept till R got home from work around 5pm. We relaxed for a while and headed to the bank to deposit some money around 7:30pm. On the way to the bank Isabella started moving. On the drive back home, she moved some more. We get upstairs and start making a quick dinner and she didn't move much. I didn't think anything of it, she was probably sleeping like usual. We go to bed, and I lay on my left side and didn't feel any kicks like usual. I tell R, he comforts me and says not to worry she is ok. So we go to bed as usual. He kisses me good night, and talks to Isabella and tells her goodnight.

Sunday, March 3rd.....5:45am R's back up doing his normal work routine. My alarm goes off as usual, 6:30am. I get up and Isabella hasn't moved. That was not like her, she always moves when I get up at this time. I start freaking out. I get the doppler we have to hear her heartbeat and I can't find it. I start freaking out even more. I start attempting to get ready for work and text R. He tells me to calm down and that everything is ok. I text him back and let him know everything is not ok. It's not like Isabella to not move at this time. He tells me to call the Dr. I pick up the phone and spend almost an hour with the answering service to try and speak with the Dr. I thought I was suppose to be at work at 7:30am so I'm on the phone, driving to work. 

I get to work and one of my managers opens the door. I have my phone on speaker and start balling... "I might have to leave, I haven't felt my baby move so I'm waiting for the Dr to see if she wants me to go to the hospital" He looks at me with a shocked face and says ok, thats fine. I see one of my team members there opening up Starbucks and I ask, "What are you doing here? I thought I was suppose to open" We are both confused as to why we are both there. I get to the office, and check my schedule. My manager had changed my schedule to 2pm to close. I was not aware of this change, again I'm still on the phone waiting to speak to my Doctor. My team member gets my HR, to help calm me down. She starts telling me to calm down and stop thinking negative. I reply, "I know something is wrong, it's not like her. She always moves, always and I haven't felt her move at all. Not even a poke is getting her to move!" Everyone keeps telling me everything is alright, and all I want to hear is the doctors voice on the other end to tell me everything is ok and not to worry.

She finally gets on the phone and I tell her I haven't felt the baby move since Saturday night. "Go in to the hospital, and the nurses will call me once you get there." I start freaking out again. My family is in San Antonio, R is at work, his mom is probably still sleeping, I have to do this on my own till R gets there. 

To be continued.....