Going back to work 6 weeks after loosing Isabella was tremendously hard on me. I couldn't stand the fact that I would be seeing all my guest who saw the whole pregnancy with me from the beginning up until the week they all found out I was in the hospital and Isabella didn't make it. I knew that it would be difficult going back to work and getting into the same routines I had before, readjusting the area to accommodate my growing belly. I knew that my work center would bring back so many memories of Isabella.
I have had some guest that had no idea what happened and finally see me back at work and ask "how is baby girl doing?" I look at them and reply, "she didn't make it!" They freeze, and are lost for words and apologize. My reply is yeah, it's been hard and it's OK. I have guest that apologize when they don't know what happened and my reply is also "it's OK!".
The truth is: I am not OK, and I am not fine! I keeping putting on this positive face for work because I know that my store managers expect a lot from me as well as having this positive and friendly attitude for guest. But I am not that person deep down. I am putting up this positive and can-do attitude just for work. I'm not the same Rochelle I once was. I lost my daughter, I have a empty heart that is yearning to hold my own baby and bring them home with me. I am a mother, but my angel is in heaven now and I just want to fill that empty hole with more of my motherly love I have to offer. That hole will have a scar, a scar that was given to me on March 3 when I was told my daughters heart had stopped and she was stillborn. My breaking point at work was yesterday. I tried to stay as positive without shedding any tears but hearing a baby cry and then hours later a guest ask me how my day was just did it for me. I am not OK, I should be hearing my daughter cry, but instead I hear the birds sing and know that she is with me when I am having bad days. Telling everyone at work that I am OK, it a BIG lie, and I hate that I have to hide my true feelings just for work. Everyone at work seems to treat me as if nothing has happened and expects me to be back to the same person I once was. The honest truth is, that person is gone. It was gone when Isabella was gone.
I discussed with a co-worker as well as my managers that I'm not OK or doing fine. I was honest with them and told them that my work center brings back so many memories of Isabella and it's been really hard to be this person that I'm not. Out of the 3 people I talked to, only one of them cried and showed emotion towards my feelings. I feel as if my manager don't honestly know how I am feeling and are looking at me as if I'm this crazy person that just needs to get to work and put her feeling behind her and work in front of her.
I am no longer hiding who I really am deep down at work. I am a mother missing her daughter, and wanting to fill a part of my heart that is yearning a child.
Oh, Rochelle. I can't even imagine the pain. And to have coworkers and superiors not understand or even try to empathize with you can't possibly help. Does your work provide an employee assistance program to where they can help you find therapy? Or if anything, they should work out something with you to be able to take breaks to cool off if you feel like you're losing control of your emotions? I don't think that's too much to ask. If I were your boss, I think it would be important for my employees to feel their best while working, even if they had to step away to gather their thoughts. I hope they are able to show some sympathy and support for you, as this is the time you need it the most. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. It's so inspiring to see you put your story out here in blog land. I know these blogger gals have been there in my not so happy times and they have really helped so hopefully you find comfort in their words to you as well :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, Rochelle...I can't even imagine how hard this has been for you. I think about you and pray for you and your fiance all the time and hope that it gets easier soon! xoxo
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