Three Weeks Ago

Photo Courtesy: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Photographer Cristina 

Isabella, It's been about 3 weeks since you were in our arms. Mommy and Daddy think about you every single hour of each day. We have pictures of you on our phone and Mommy can't help but look at your precious face and think back to that night I held you, talked to you and checked for all 10 fingers and toes and just cried for you. I cherish all the memories we made with you for 34 weeks and hold them dear in my heart. These past 3 weeks have been tough on me without you here. I can't hear a baby cry without thinking of you and wishing you were crying for Mommy. The sight of a baby brings me to tears. The day we left the hospital without you was extremely hard on me. Seeing a lady in a wheelchair in front of me so excited to take her newborn son home crushed my heart. I hated that I had to leave with just memories of you and not able to physically carry you out of the hospital. The babies cry brought me to tears that day, I was looking forward to Daddy carrying you out in your new carseat and hearing you cry on the way out the door. 

They day we arrived back from the hospital without you, was so hard. Going into our apartment without you, seeing all your stuff from the baby shower tore my shattered heart into a thousand more pieces. Sister Lexi was smelling everything, looking for her little sister Isabella. She ran and sniffed your stroller, hoping to see you in there. This brought me to tears, knowing that Lexi would never get to meet you. We wondered how she would react with you here but I'm sure she would have been very over protective of you.

My little angel, you are always on my mind and I sleep with your monkey Mommy and Daddy bought for you when we found out you were entering our world. I also sleep with your blanket your Nana made for you. I can't sleep without them, having them next to me is like having you there with us. We kiss your monkey each night and pray to you as well. My sweet Isabella, I miss you so much and cry for your everyday. You are forever in my heart, and will always be my baby girl.

Mommy loves you so much Isabella Grace. I hope your Great-Great-Grandpa has showed you what heaven has to offer you.

Love Mommy!

A Mothers Loss Part II

Sorry it has taken me forever to post this, it is just hard some days to write about what happend but I know it will be good for me to get my story out and share it with everyone.


I arrive at the hospital and immediately get greeted with nurses that take me into triage to get hooked up to monitors. The nurse was trying to hook up the fetal monitor to find Isabella's heartbeat but was not finding it. She kept try and trying and only could hear my heartbeat. Another nurse walked in and tried as well, she then said she would go and get a fetal doppler to try and see if she could hear the baby. She comes back into triage with the fetal doppler and couldn't hear a thing. She kept asking me questions and talking to me to keep me calm since I was already crying. She immediatly asked if I was alone or had family on the way. I told her my fiancé was on his way. The nurse that went to get the fetal doppler told me she ordered a sonogram and she was going to put me in a private room. At this point I was freaking out even more. I was hoping everything was ok and I would see Isabella's heartbeat on that monitor. 

The sonogram tech came in, along with 2 other nurses and my Doctor. The doctor and the sonogram tech looked at the screen as she moved that warm gel around my bump. I stayed looking at the doctor waiting for a reaction, nothing.... She then comes around the bed to my left side, she stares at me with this shocked, scared look......I screamed, cried, and screamed "NO, NO, NO, this can't be happening!! I just felt her last night, please tell me this is not real!"  The Doctor sits by my side and starts telling me she doesn't know what happened, we had a perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy for 34 weeks and we wouldn't know what was the cause till after delivery and sometimes cases like this go without knowing the cause. I felt like I got hit with an 18 wheeler and thrown around. My heart was shattered, completely shattered for the child I prayed for each day. I questioned God, why he took her from us. She was almost here with us. April 10th was her due date, why did she have to leave this earth so soon. I know God had plans for R and I as well as Isabella and I can't question his plan but at that time I has so many unanswered questions. 

R was still not at the hospital yet, so I had to handle the news alone with the doctor and nurses till his mom and him arrived. His mom arrived first, she was anxiously awaiting the arrival of her 4th grandchild. I remember her walking into the room and I starting crying, I remember telling her "She is gone, I lost her" and I remember her words "No, what do you mean?" The doctor had called her for me and told her to come to the hospital as soon as possible, I was not able to call anyone after hearing the news. I'm glad she was there by my side until R arrived to the hospital. When he finally arrived, I told him what had happen. That was the hardest thing to tell someone that had just kissed his daughter goodnight the night before and told her goodbye that morning. Isabella was already wrapped around his finger, and to know that she wasn't coming home with mommy or daddy was the hardest. My heart ached for the daughter I will never be able to kiss goodnight, feed, and dress with all her new clothes. R was devastated he cried, I cried, we all cried including some of the nurses. I just couldn't understand how this happened. 

The doctor told me she wanted me to deliver naturally because she didn't want to leave me with an emotional scare and I'm glad that was in her best interest. I think a scare would have made it even worse for me emotionally and physically. They started inducing my labor with Oxytocin and I stayed at 1 cm till about Tuesday morning. I hadn't eaten or drank anything since Sunday so I was able to get taken off everything, eat and walk around and prepare for the next step. I was having contractions (back labor to be exact) but it wasn't unbearable. They then decided to insert a balloon on Tuesday to help my cervix   thin out. (sorry if this is TMI) I was taking some oral pain meds to help cope with some of the back labor. I was trying to go without any Epidural for as long as I could. My plan for delivery was to not get any Epidural unless it was absolutely needed. That Tuesday labor started progressing, I remember having so many visitors and was so groggy with the pain medication that I was passed out. My water broke while I was sleeping, and the balloon was then removed. I was 3cm at this time.  It was probably around 12:15am when I had an urge to go to the restroom. I get up and go, and nothing. My mom and R's mom told me that I probably needed to push. So R's mom goes to call the nurse as well as get R from the room next door that they had prepared for us for grieving. (The hospital set up a room with food, coffee, and drinks for our family to go and talk and rest while in Labor and Delivery. I thought this was very kind of the nurses.) The nurse comes in and checks me and I'm now 5cm dilated. Nurse Tracy, too be exact was an AMAZING nurse that was with me two nights in a row and was such an angel. She then asked if I wanted any Epidural, back labor was so uncomfortable but I was dealing with it with just oral pain medication. I then requested an epidural. I think the reason I requested it was because I was still in shock about the situation and just wanted to hurry up and get Isabella out to meet her and hold her. Nurse Tracy then calls the Doctor and the Anesthesiologist all within minutes of her checking me. The Anesthesiologist gets theres around 12:30am and she decides to check me because I have another urge to use the restroom. I went from 5cm to 9 1/2 within minutes. The Anesthesiologist tells me he will go ahead and give me some epidural just to take the edge off. I request my mom stay in the room with me and now I think about it and I regret not having R in there but he was sleeping next door and I was in so much shock about the situation I just wanted my mom next to me for comfort. 

 After the epidural, the doctor arrives and I'm able to start pushing. Labor went very quick, and I was able to have full control of my legs and body with the little epidural. Isabella was born sleeping with the Angels March 5, 2013 at 1:04am. She was 4lbs. 7oz. and was 18 1/2 inches long. We got to hold her, kiss her, and just be with her as long as we wanted. Nurse Tracy, and Jen were two AMAZING nurses that assisted with delivery and cried with us. They were so  great, words can't express how they impacted our lives that time we were there. They took pictures of Isabella, prepared a memory box for us and just hugged us and gave their condolences so many times. 

She was perfect, she looked exactly like R. She was his little twin and it killed me that we were not going to be able to show her off to the world, she wasn't going to be able to use the new carseat we had waiting for her, the clothes she received would never be put on her, I was going to leave the hospital empty handed and it killed me inside. Lura has messaged me on Facebook the night before and had told me about a non-profit organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. We had them come in Tuesday evening to take pictures with us and capture our beautiful angel. I'm so glad Lura told us about this organization, we had taken pictures but these pictures don't compare to ours. I was very pleased will all of them.

This has been pretty tough for me to deal with, and I felt I needed to type of what happened and share for myself. I think about those days and replay them over and over in my head. I know everyone says it will help with the healing process, but I don't know if my heart will ever be healed with out Isabella in my arms. I know one day we will get to hold her, but until then I cherish all the memories we made with her up until the day we sent her to be with our grandfathers in heaven. She will forever me in our hearts!

A Mother's Loss Part I

Saturday March 2, 2013 was a usual workday. R's alarm went off at 5:45am and he is scrambling to get out of the house on time. 6:00am he reaches for the blankets to kiss me as usual and saves his last kiss for Isabella. He always has a routine before leaving, he kissed me first and always made sure to kiss Isabellas and tell Lexi by right before leaving the bedroom. My alarm goes off at 6:30am and I start getting ready for work. 34 weeks pregnant, getting up out of bed was getting harder and harder each day. I was exhausted, drained, tired, you can only imagine what I felt after working all week and starting a weekend shift as well and not being able to sit for 8+ hours. I'm so tired, I don't even feel like leaving the apartment. I get to work and everyone at work says "Rochelle, you look tired!" My reply "I am tired, I'm more than tired. I'm so ready to go on maternity leave soon." I told one of my other team members that I was probably going to leave early when my mid-shift got in at 10am. I just felt I needed to go home, and kick up my feet and rest. 

12pm comes around and I'm clocking out of work with a kicking baby girl. I was  so ready to go home and eat and take a nap before R got home. I get in the car, blast the radio to some country and sing on the way home to Isabella. I get home and my little dancer is kicking away, moving all sorts of ways in my stomach. I lay down on the couch on my left side and what do you know, that girl is kicking my right side like crazy. She would always kick up a storm when I laid on my left side. I slept till R got home from work around 5pm. We relaxed for a while and headed to the bank to deposit some money around 7:30pm. On the way to the bank Isabella started moving. On the drive back home, she moved some more. We get upstairs and start making a quick dinner and she didn't move much. I didn't think anything of it, she was probably sleeping like usual. We go to bed, and I lay on my left side and didn't feel any kicks like usual. I tell R, he comforts me and says not to worry she is ok. So we go to bed as usual. He kisses me good night, and talks to Isabella and tells her goodnight.

Sunday, March 3rd.....5:45am R's back up doing his normal work routine. My alarm goes off as usual, 6:30am. I get up and Isabella hasn't moved. That was not like her, she always moves when I get up at this time. I start freaking out. I get the doppler we have to hear her heartbeat and I can't find it. I start freaking out even more. I start attempting to get ready for work and text R. He tells me to calm down and that everything is ok. I text him back and let him know everything is not ok. It's not like Isabella to not move at this time. He tells me to call the Dr. I pick up the phone and spend almost an hour with the answering service to try and speak with the Dr. I thought I was suppose to be at work at 7:30am so I'm on the phone, driving to work. 

I get to work and one of my managers opens the door. I have my phone on speaker and start balling... "I might have to leave, I haven't felt my baby move so I'm waiting for the Dr to see if she wants me to go to the hospital" He looks at me with a shocked face and says ok, thats fine. I see one of my team members there opening up Starbucks and I ask, "What are you doing here? I thought I was suppose to open" We are both confused as to why we are both there. I get to the office, and check my schedule. My manager had changed my schedule to 2pm to close. I was not aware of this change, again I'm still on the phone waiting to speak to my Doctor. My team member gets my HR, to help calm me down. She starts telling me to calm down and stop thinking negative. I reply, "I know something is wrong, it's not like her. She always moves, always and I haven't felt her move at all. Not even a poke is getting her to move!" Everyone keeps telling me everything is alright, and all I want to hear is the doctors voice on the other end to tell me everything is ok and not to worry.

She finally gets on the phone and I tell her I haven't felt the baby move since Saturday night. "Go in to the hospital, and the nurses will call me once you get there." I start freaking out again. My family is in San Antonio, R is at work, his mom is probably still sleeping, I have to do this on my own till R gets there. 

To be continued.....

Mommy to a Sleeping Baby Linkup

Hello everyone!!

I have been MIA for quite sometime again. I have had a lot of good things go on in February. I got engaged the day of my baby shower. Unfortunately  I have also had some very bad times during these past few weeks, hence why I have been MIA. 

On March 3, 2013 I went into the hospital with decreased fetal movement. That was the day that changed my life forever. I lost my beautiful, sweet baby girl. It has been pretty tough on me, especially since she would have been here next month. I wanted to start a linkup during this time to help me grieve. I wanted to read stories of other mothers, grandmothers, etc, that have gone through the experience of stillbirth as well as share my experience. I feel I'm ready to share my story and experience with others, and I find this as another step of my grieving process. 

I'm planning on starting a link-up "Mommy to a Sleeping Baby"

Isabella has been my motivation to find organizations and websites to help me grieve and give back. So I want to be able to find more resources and see what other women found out about the cause of their sleeping baby.

I'm planning on this link-up to be continuous. Share it with everyone you know, that would want to share their story. 

<div align="center"><a href="http://life-love-andinbetween.blogspot.com/" title="Life, Love and in Between"><img src="http://i1301.photobucket.com/albums/ag112/RAggie09/Linkup_zpsf65087e6.jpg" alt="Life, Love and in Between" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

Please post this on your blog and link-up! I look forward to reading each and everyone of your stories. I'm currently working on my story, as its not each to type it up but I'm planning on sharing it with you Friday 3/22.