Those Words Can Hurt

Source: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=484976378214891&set=a.164558496923349.32779.162680380444494&type=1&theater

I saw this on Facebook the other night and it hit home. As a grieving parent, we don't think of what is being said by others till after it is said and you think back on the conversation. I glanced in pamphlets, books, blogs, and other websites that hit on the issue I have faced. It was then when I came across this image, I realized that those resources know exactly how I'm feeling and their are certain words I don't want to hear as well as anyone facing this hard time. 

I don't like to hear "you are still young, you can have more kids"- 

I know I'm still young, and can have more kids, but I want my baby girl here with me. I want Isabella in my arms to celebrate holidays and birthdays with; I want to hug her, kiss her, and do everything that a mother does with her first born baby. 

I don't like to hear "she is in a better place"- 

A better place would be in my arms, here on earth where we all want her to be. Where I can show her off to the world as my sweet baby girl. 

I think about Isabella every hour, minute, and second of each and every day. Getting back to work has been the hardest transition for me, but I have my good and bad days. It's hard seeing guest that saw me pregnant before I left and not come up to me asking how the baby is doing. I never know how to say that I lost my baby, I just look at them and say it in a very soft voice and end up tearing up while I'm making their drink. I know they have no idea, but it's hard for me to see these people each day knowing that Isabella should be here and I should be talking about how she is doing and growing.

I miss my sweet little angel so much, and I know my broken heart will never be healed but I will cherish every moment and memory I made with Isabella each and everyday. 

Back At It

For those of you who follow me on Instagram or Facebook know that Monday was my first day back to work. I thought I was mentally, physically, and emotionally ready to go back to work. Nope... not at all. Sunday night I only got about 3 hours of sleep because I just kept thinking of work, Isabella, and so much more that needed to be done. I got up early for work Monday, took Lexi outside and spent some time with her before I left. On the exist to the apartments I start getting teary eyed. As I get closer in my trip to work, I start crying. I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. I knew Monday would probably be the hardest, and that's how I went into work. Some of my guest didn't know what happened so I told them, que more tears. I had one guest that experienced the same thing and we stood there at cried together. I was glad to listen to someone who has been in my shoes on my first day. It helped make my day a little better knowing I have a guest that can relate with me. 

Tuesday was probably a lot harder than Monday. I cried on the trip to work, on the walk inside to clock in, up until lunch time. Every single thing in my area brings back so many memories, every area in the store brings back memories. It is still fresh, and I know this is all part of my grieving process. I'm glad that my managers have given me my space on my first week and haven't bombarded me with updates since I have been out. Everyone has been so supportive, especially my guest. 

I want to thank everyone who reads this blog, follows me on Instagram and Facebook. You have been great social support and I am so thankful for you guys. I like your supportive comments that help me get through the rest of the day when they are dark and gloomy.

Today

Today would have been my due date. I would have either had Isabella in my arms by today or been one cranky pregnant women waiting for the arrival of my sweet baby. Today has been a hard day for me, a day were I would rather curl up under the blankets and just watch tv and cry a river for my daughter. I have been dealing with everything pretty well up until last night and today. I have good days and bad days. There are days that food is the last thing on my mind and being alone in a room sounds much better. Days were crying feels like the only thing I have left in me to do before bed. I have days were I put on a happy face with everyone around me, but take my feelings out on R and give him attitude. Days that make me go back to that last week and day with her kicking up a storm in my belly and making me wonder what if I did something wrong? Could I have prevented this? Days that music, movies, streets, and stores make me cry because of the memories I have driving and shopping. 

It's not R's fault and I don't mean to take anything out on him, but he has been a great support and has helped with my grieving. I know I should be eating, and I do but sometimes nothing sounds good to me. I know I shouldn't blame myself for any of this, but I'm sure anyone who has been in my shoes has had those days were they blame themselves and realize we couldn't prevent any of this. I do know that I have all the memories we made with her up until her last kick and I will cherish the child I carried for 9 months in my heart. R and I will remember all the memories we made together with Isabella. 

Left: The last picture I took with Isabella in my tummy 34 weeks. 
Right: A note R wrote and put it on Instagram

Today I will look back on the memories when we got to meet Isabella. I don't have much pictures of people that visited us, or pictures of myself. It was a very emotional 4 days on the hospital, and I didn't feel like taking any pictures with anyone. I was still shocked, and heartbroken and I still am. We were given a purple memory box with pictures the hospital nurses took of Isabella and us, her pink hat that she wore afterwards, Rosary's from the priest coming in to pray with us, all three of our arm bands, and a couple little papers that discuss support groups in the area. I was also given a little white bear an hour after I got admitted into the hospital. This bear was donated by families who have been in the same situation and gave the bear in honor of their son. I will look in this box and remember holding her for the first time, seeing R's face when I said she was his twin. So many great memories were made on that early morning of March 5th. 

The outside and inside of Isabella's Memory Box

Isabella's left foot and right hand on the inside flaps of the box

Thank you to everyone that reads this little blog of mine. Thank you for listening as I grieve and mourn for my little girl. We greatly appreciate all the thoughts and prayers and I'm glad to have such a wonderful blogging community. This blog has been a way for me to vent and grieve and sharing my experience with others. 

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. 
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth". 
~Author Unknown

Wear a Star Day

Happy Monday!!!

I wanted to share this with everyone here in blogland. On Friday, April 12th in honor of those who have lost a child, including those who have experienced a miscarriage or a stillborn or asked to honor your "little star" that day by wearing any piece of clothing, jewelry, etc with a star. 

Photo Courtesy

In honor of our sweet baby girl Isabella Grace and all those little ones who have left us too soon, we will be wearing a shirt and button honoring and remembering our little stars in heaven.

R and I have purchased a scrapbook to put together for our memories of Isabella and a friend of mine had given me a great idea. She mentioned that everyone who participates should upload a picture to Facebook or Instagram of their "star" and I print it out to put in her scrapbook. I thought this would be a great idea and I would love to have pictures of everyone who participates honoring Isabella. If you would like to participate and wear a star on April 12th, upload your photo to Instagram using #isabellagrace  I would love to see everyones pictures. 
Please share on Twitter, Facebook, and your blog in honor of my little angel who left us too soon. 

You can read more about Wear a Star here and also follow on Facebook here. 

Will you be wearing a Star on Friday? Will you be honoring someone special?

One Month Ago

Photo Courtesy: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep By Photographer Cristina

Today marks one month since you left Isabella Grace. I remember that Sunday morning that changed all our lives forever. I hoped for a miracle and waited for the doctor to say you were just in an awkward position, or that the equipment was malfunctioning. On the day I delivered you, I hoped to hear you crying when the doctor pulled you out. 

I think about that Saturday and Sunday morning over and over in my head and wonder what I could have done better, or what I did wrong. I know I shouldn't blame myself but these are just the thoughts that constantly run through my head. I know God has a plan and that is something everyone tells me, but I had a different plan for you. I dreamed of spending my first Mother's Day with you, Daddy spending his first Father's Day with you and we looked forward to each holiday to come with you. Now, we will spend these days from here on out with you in heaven and we will celebrate you each and everyday, especially the holidays. I had so many hopes and dream, but now you are in a better place and I miss you so much. I have many sleepless nights and cry for you Isabella, but I know you are always in my heart no matter where I'm at. I just can't believe it has been a month today, and you left this earth so quickly. 

Mommy and Daddy love you sweet Isabella Grace and we are so glad we got to visit you yesterday and cherish all the memories we have made with you. 
Until we meet again sweet angel......

Xoxo Mommy

Photo Courtesy: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Photographer Cristina

The above picture was taken by our photographer Cristina who volunteers with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.This is one of my favorite pictures as we kissed Isabella goodbye after the pictures before they took her back. We saw her the next day before I left the hospital to tell her our last goodbyes and before they sent her for an autopsy. I check the mail each day, hoping to get those results back. 

Easter 2013

This Easter was not the same and I know holidays and birthdays will never be the same anymore. Last year R and I spent our first Easter together and it was wonderful. This year, he had to work all day and the toughest part of Easter was not having Isabella in our arms. R had to work and was unable to go to Easter Sunrise Servive. R's mom and I got up early Sunday morning and went to Easter Sunrise service at the funeral home. 

The funeral home had recently opened a Garden of Hope fountain. Let me just tell you, when I got there early in the morning it took my breath away and I knew my Isabella was at a nice and peaceful new home. 

Here are some pictures of the beautiful "Garden of Hope" fountain. 

The service was so beautiful. They spoke the words that helped any grieving family member during this wonderful Easter. They honored and announced the names of family members that have lost a loved one from last Easter to this Easter. They announced Isabella's grandma and I and presented both of us with an Easter Lily. 

Easter Lily I was presented with

When they presented me with the Easter lily, I received a pink cover and R's mom received a purple one. Both those colors are the colors we used for the baby shower and also the colors R and I had planned on using in her room. I noticed the colors, and started crying. I told R's mom and she even teared up. I felt this was a sign that Isabella was right there with me, letting me know she was always there no matter where I'm at. I'm a firm believer in signs, and I definitely saw this as a sign. I immediately texted R and told him and he told me he couldn't stop crying at work. I know it was a hard day at work to begin with since he couldn't make it to the service and we had to spend this Easter without Isabella. He is such a wonderful dad, and will always be a dad even though Isabella isn't physically here. He talks to her each night, and we pray for her. He keeps me strong when I'm weak, and try's to turn my bad days into a better day. I'm so glad that he is the father of or little girl and that God is brining us closer together and making our relationship stronger. 

After the service, R's mom and I went to visit Isabella for her first Easter in Heaven. R and I had made Isabella a basket filled with an arrangement of flowers, Easter eggs, a monkey (we called her our little monkey), and a little bunny. I was moving the dirt around and found a little plastic animal that R's niece and nephews had left for her the day of the funeral service. When I found this I knew she was with me, letting me know that she was celebrating Easter with us as well as her grandpa's in heaven. I miss her terribly, and my heart is still shattered in a million pieces. Knowing that I couldn't hold her for her first Easter killed me. I still can't be around newborns. Hearing their cry or even seeing them brings me to tears. I didn't go with R's parents on Saturday for a family gathering because one of his relatives was due 2 days before me and recently had her baby 2 weeks ago. It's still too soon for me to be around babies, and I feel bad but I'm just not emotionally strong enough yet. 

Isabella's First Easter Basket

We raised enough money to get her a marker so it should be set in 3 more weeks. On Sunday, I also noticed that when we received the lily's they were all closed. We went to R's sisters house and when we got back they opened up. (see picture above) I thought it was so breathtaking to see the flowers all closed before we left and them to open up so pretty by the time we got home. Life is just so precious and we all have to cherish each and everyday we have on this earth. 

Mommy and Daddy miss you Isabella Grace and not a day goes by that you are not on our mind. I hope you liked your Easter basket that mommy and daddy made for you.