Today

Today would have been my due date. I would have either had Isabella in my arms by today or been one cranky pregnant women waiting for the arrival of my sweet baby. Today has been a hard day for me, a day were I would rather curl up under the blankets and just watch tv and cry a river for my daughter. I have been dealing with everything pretty well up until last night and today. I have good days and bad days. There are days that food is the last thing on my mind and being alone in a room sounds much better. Days were crying feels like the only thing I have left in me to do before bed. I have days were I put on a happy face with everyone around me, but take my feelings out on R and give him attitude. Days that make me go back to that last week and day with her kicking up a storm in my belly and making me wonder what if I did something wrong? Could I have prevented this? Days that music, movies, streets, and stores make me cry because of the memories I have driving and shopping. 

It's not R's fault and I don't mean to take anything out on him, but he has been a great support and has helped with my grieving. I know I should be eating, and I do but sometimes nothing sounds good to me. I know I shouldn't blame myself for any of this, but I'm sure anyone who has been in my shoes has had those days were they blame themselves and realize we couldn't prevent any of this. I do know that I have all the memories we made with her up until her last kick and I will cherish the child I carried for 9 months in my heart. R and I will remember all the memories we made together with Isabella. 

Left: The last picture I took with Isabella in my tummy 34 weeks. 
Right: A note R wrote and put it on Instagram

Today I will look back on the memories when we got to meet Isabella. I don't have much pictures of people that visited us, or pictures of myself. It was a very emotional 4 days on the hospital, and I didn't feel like taking any pictures with anyone. I was still shocked, and heartbroken and I still am. We were given a purple memory box with pictures the hospital nurses took of Isabella and us, her pink hat that she wore afterwards, Rosary's from the priest coming in to pray with us, all three of our arm bands, and a couple little papers that discuss support groups in the area. I was also given a little white bear an hour after I got admitted into the hospital. This bear was donated by families who have been in the same situation and gave the bear in honor of their son. I will look in this box and remember holding her for the first time, seeing R's face when I said she was his twin. So many great memories were made on that early morning of March 5th. 

The outside and inside of Isabella's Memory Box

Isabella's left foot and right hand on the inside flaps of the box

Thank you to everyone that reads this little blog of mine. Thank you for listening as I grieve and mourn for my little girl. We greatly appreciate all the thoughts and prayers and I'm glad to have such a wonderful blogging community. This blog has been a way for me to vent and grieve and sharing my experience with others. 

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. 
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth". 
~Author Unknown